Friday, July 20, 2007

deep misery.

If you want to read something cheery or uplifting, I suggest you stop reading here and move on to another blog...

As most of you know, I'm going back to school. Having already done five years, I am aiming for ten. :( I am going back for a Master's in Computer Science. I am not a genius. I am not brilliant. I am actually very frightened, uncertain, and confused. I do not profess to know much about computers, and as I partake in the dreadfulness and difficulty of each class, I want to just die. So, you must be wondering, why do I persist? Why do I continue?

I was asking myself the very question this morning. I stayed up all night, took a two hour nap between 3:00-5:00am, and then went to study for a midterm. While I was sitting there in the Starbucks, frantically doing my integrations and going over formulas and identities, a lady strolled in with a cart full of her belongings.

She sat down and started a some-what angry conversation with herself. It went along the lines of:

"Six bucks for a sandwich is too much, if you ask me. It's a good sandwich, but 5.50, six bucks is asking for too much. If I had me a good husband, I wouldn't be begging for five bucks here and there. Oh no, if I had me good, sweet husband I wouldn't be here. Now, if you want to give me five bucks, I am not stupid not to take it, but I want me a good husband."

Then she left...

and I, I wanted to cry.

Here I was busy fretting over stupid things like calculus, while this lady was merely trying to survive. Then I thought, I am just like her, I am just trying to survive...is that why I'm putting myself through this nightmare?

Everyone has a story...some people have a really sad story. Some people might look into those mermaid covered windows and think that I was enjoying the luxury of sipping a mocha and becoming more enlightened. However, perhaps they would be surprised that I relate more with that lady than with the stupid numbers in the book...

I don't know what I am doing sometimes; I don't know what I'm doing most of the time...

9 comments:

marsha said...

this is such a touching post ... i go through such moments but then count my blessings for what i have and what i have achieved so far ... so count your blessings and you'll feel much happier and contented ... :)

Summers Camp said...

Oh my dear! Big hugs and kudos to you! Computer Science is nasty. My husband got his undergrad in it and I dabbled in it for a bit, thinking I'd get my minor in CS. Thank heavens I didn't, but if you can stick it out, then think how great you'll feel! Just remember the wonderful blessings you do have and they will keep you lifted!

Holly said...

I think that the great thing about your experience is that through all of your stresses and self doubts you were still able to put your concerns aside take everything into perspective, and still feel something for that lady... it shows that you are a kind and gentle HUMAN being :)
About your education woes... I give you so much credit for pursuing it, and for sticking through something that is SOO difficult! We all have these questions (what am I doing here?!)Whatever your decision is will be fine for you, because you are the type of person who can still stop and take a look at things from a bigger perspective :)

Feltland said...

You see, generally we loose our time and energy in no important things. I understand you're worried about your studies, your future - it's normal - you're doing the right thing -> prepairing yourself for tomorrow. Just take a step each time, don't get mad about what you should do or if what you're doing is right or not ... If you are studying what you wanted and liked you're in the right way - the next step will come naturally.

Hope you feel better today. Have a great weekend.

Besos,

Monica

gilda said...

sometimes i complain about everything in my life and god has a funny way of showing us people like that, to make us appreciate ours. i cry sometimes when i see people like that. and i tend to really regret being such a baby and complaining about nothing at all, when i really do have many things, and some people don't. i wish there were more things that could be done to help the less fortunate, but we'd probably need to be multi-billonaires to do that. take it as a reminder to be grateful and thankful for who you are and what you have been blessed with. take care.

BuddingCook said...

cheer up my dear, you'll do fine. :D

Erika said...

Oh friend I hear you, and I know that school is very, very hard. I hope that, if you really truly want to continue in school that it will go well and quickly for you. If it's your dream, then keep going. If not, then you know what to do.

That was, by the way, very touching, and thanks for sharing.

Claire said...

Oh, now, dear creature...it is going to be ok.
Really- nobody knows what they are doing much of the time. Some are just better at hiding that fact than others.

Bright Meadow Farms said...

Gosh, I felt so bad when I saw your post.

I was out of school for 25 years when I went back for my master's (MBA) I dropped out after 1 1/2 years. I sympathize with your pain!

But, let me share something else... When I was getting my undergrad in business, I had to take FORTRAN. Ick. I hated it. I vowed never to use computers again. But when I got into the real world and started working as an accountant, I ending up switching into -- you guessed it -- Information Technology.

It actually is a pretty interesting field, and there are a lot of different directions you can go. Most of the really technical jobs are going offshore now, and management is here -- just get through that degree and you will get your chance to do some fun stuff!